I always have strange dreams when I’m pregnant. And then I fool myself into thinking/worrying that those strange thoughts thrown out by my subconscious are significant, or worse, prophetic. Of course, they aren’t. When I was pregnant with Elspeth I dreamed about an adorable little boy with blond curly hair. With every pregnancy so far I’ve had dreams that I’m having an affair. I think it’s fairly common for pregnant women to have crazy dreams. When my mom was pregnant with me she dreamed that I was born with a full set of razor-sharp teeth (and yeah, this was a good 25 years before the insanity of Breaking Dawn.)
A few nights ago I had a terrible dream. It was one of those wake-up-sobbing ones, and when it was over I was SO relieved it wasn’t real. I know dreams are really only interesting to the people who are having them, but I do have a point here so stick with me. Here’s how the dream went down: Urs and Ingmar were here in the US visiting to spend some time with us, meet the kids, tour the hospital where there babies will be born, etc. We were meeting up at a park that had a big stage-type thing (it looked like Bountiful City Park, but we don’t have anything that looks like that around here) so that the kids could play and we adults could chat. Little did I know, we were being ambushed by my extended family. My mom’s side of the family had organized an anti-gay rally and purposely scheduled it for the same time and day that the guys and my family would be there. The park was full of hateful Mormons giving speeches about the hideousness of homosexuality. At one point my own grandmother was speaking about how “the gays want young boys to feel sexually attracted to Joseph Smith.” I was horrified and humiliated, and trying desperately to get my family and Urs and Ingmar out of there, not only because I was embarrassed about my bigoted family and church, but because I was afraid the crowd would turn violent if they discovered us.
This all sounds somewhat crazy in the light of day, but a lot of elements are not that far-fetched. My grandma has said some crazy things, and I can picture her saying the horrible things she was saying in the dream. Mormons really DO despise homosexuality (even while they proclaim love for the “sinners”) and the idea of a “The Gays Are Tearing Down the Family” rally in Bounitful, Utah does not seem that weird to me. I know I have friends and especially family who would proudly attend such an event. And I can’t help but thinking the whole purpose of this dream was for my pessimistic subconscious to remind me, among all the joy I’ve felt these last two weeks, that most Mormons will hate what I’m doing. That includes my family and friends.
And you know, this dream did turn out to be a sort of harbinger. Around the same time of the dream, I talked to my Mom about possibly having a temple day with her when we’re visiting next week. My temple recommend expired back in November, and I haven’t tried to renew it because 1) I have so few opportunities to attend the temple (and, to be honest, I don’t make a very strong effort to get there) and 2) I wasn’t sure whether I’d be eligible to have my recommend renewed in light of my pursuing surrogacy. But this trip to my parents’ and their nearby temple was just the kick in the pants I needed to face the issue head-on. I emailed Bishop Ellsbury asking whether it would be possible to get a temple recommend interview on such short notice and in light of my current situation.
Today I heard back from him.
“I have pondered and prayed about how to proceed from here as it relates to your current situation. Even though the handbook wasn’t directly clear in saying “no” it did strongly discourage this procedure. In addition the same gender of the couple that you will be bringing the child into the world for is very much against the doctrines of the church and this is why my council was to ask you to reconsider and not go through with it.At this time I am sorry to say that renewing your temple recommend wouldn’t be appropriate. I do look forward in meeting with you to see how best to proceed so you can return to the temple in the future. Let me know if you have any questions.”