I should be writing my review of The Book of Mormon Girl, which I adored, but I’m too cranky to write a glowing review so I’m coming to this space to complain instead.
Yesterday morning I took another home pregnancy test and got a much darker line. Then this morning I took my last test, expecting the line to be darker still. I wanted to line up all three tests and take a photo to record the line’s devopment: faint, darker, darkest. Yes, this sounds like a strange idea, but within fertility and surrogacy circles it is actually pretty normal behavior.
So here’s what I got:
The line didn’t get much darker between yesterday and today. I’ve been stressing about it all day because there’s an unfortunate phenomenon called Chemical Pregnancy. It’s something I hear about a lot on surrogacy forums: you get a positive result, then a weaker positive, then an even weaker one, and finally a negative blood test. I don’t feel as pregnant today as I did yesterday; I’m not as tired or hungry, and never the slightest bit nauseated, even when my stomach is empty. I wish I could take another test tomorrow morning to reassure myself that I’m still pregnant, but I’m fresh out.
I’m also stressing about Elspeth’s preschool situation. For the last two years she’s been so happy at our local Jewish day school, Ben Israel. Dean is there this year, too, and he loves it just as much as she does. But it’s absurdly expensive- we pay more for our kids to attend this preschool than my parents pay for my brother to attend BYU-I. So tonight Elspeth and I attended an open house for a montessori magnet school that has a PreK/K program. The school is a little closer to our house, FAR more socio-economically diverse (at Ben Israel WE are the diversity because we’re not Jewish and we don’t have hired help) and I think Elspeth would thrive on the Montessori method.
But having grown up in an air force family, I’m resistant to making my kid change schools if it isn’t absolutely necessary. When we talked about leaving Ben Israel, Elspeth really gets upset. I hate the idea of her having to leave the safe, welcoming class family she has there when she could technically stay one more year (from Kindergarten on, the school is closed to non-Jewish children). Even if the Montessori school is excellent, the resources of a public school can’t compare to Ben Israel. The class would be bigger, and it would be pretty overwhelming for her to be there with a bunch of strangers for the first week or so. But then, I’m probably not giving her enough credit in the social department. The girl is FAR more outgoing and adaptable than I have ever been. And she was excited when she saw the beautiful Montessori classroom; we both were. I don’t know. Choosing between this school and Ben Israel… it’s really choosing between two good things. I don’t know why I’m whining about it so much.
I’m also concerned about what the PIO is doing to my poor rump. I have some pretty scary-looking bruising and enough knots under the skin that it’s difficult to find a smooth injection site each day. Most worrisome is the rash I’ve developed. Something like hives, maybe? I think I might be having an allergic reaction to the oil, the needle, or the progesterone itself. It’s pretty annoying, having an itchy/lumpy/sore booty, and I’m supposed to continue PIO for another couple of months still.
One more thing to whine about! I sent emails/texts to my family to let them know about the positive pregnancy test on Saturday. A couple of people responded happily (the people I expected) but several others didn’t respond at all. My own parents haven’t even called to ask how I’m feeling. I know they don’t love the idea of my having a baby (or babies) for a gay couple, but I expected them to be a little more supportive than this. The last few days have been bittersweet. I’m so excited, but also worried that it’s not real. I want to tell everyone I see, but I know most of them will not be as enthusiastic as I want them to. It’s so different from a “normal” pregnancy.
BUT! I just got off the phone with my incredible, supportive, cheerful sister-in-law. And now I’m feeling a little perkier. Tomorrow I’m going to buy some more pregnancy tests, turn in Elspeth’s application to the Montessori school, call my doctor about the PIO reaction, and prepare myself for whatever news Thursday’s blood test brings.
Until then, I’m going to eat some ice cream and read a book.