What I Want to Share

I wish I were brave enough to post this incredible piece on my actual facebook, but I’m still too afraid of social disapproval so I’m posting it here in my safe space instead.  Regardez!

Ah, so beautiful!  As I write this I’m resisting watching it again because I don’t want to get all weepy and emotional.  How can anyone not believe marriage is good?

Not too much is new on the surrogacy front.  I was scheduled to have my medical screening this coming Tuesday, but I had to reschedule it.  We have Aunt Flow to thank for that;  the screening includes a hysteroscopy, a sonoHSG, and an endometrial biopsy, and apparently one or all of those things can’t be done during my period.  I was really bummed about changing the appointment.  I’m so eager to get this process started, and I’d been looking forward to traveling to the clinic ALONE.  There are so few things I get to do all alone! But really I can blame the disappointment mainly on PMS.  The appointment is only two weeks away.  I can wait two more weeks.

We were at my inlaws’ for Thanksgiving, and we passed an entire week there without any of the many family members mentioning the elephant in the room.  Actually, that’s not entirely true: my mother-in-law asked whether or not I’d be able to come to our annual beach trip.  (I probably won’t be in my last trimester until later in the year, so traveling in the summer shouldn’t be a problem.)  I’m glad we didn’t talk about it much, and I’m especially glad it didn’t come up with Louisa.  Things are taking so long to happen that it seems silly to get worked up about it right now.

The only time either of my parents have mentioned it since the awkward phone conversation a few weeks ago was when I talked to my dad last week and he asked “So, have you decided whether to do the… uh… surrogacy thing?”  I sort of snapped at him, something like “Well yeah, I’m going for my medical screening next week so yep, I’m still doing it.”  Then I felt bad, since he wasn’t being rude and he probably felt uncomfortable even asking me about it.  I’m not usually so snippy.  I guess I’ll blame the aforementioned PMS for that, too.  I’d forgotten how irritable I get when I’m not on a hormone-related birth control method.

I went to church today fully intending to make an appointment to talk to the bishop about it, but then I got busy with wrasslin’ my kids and attending to my calling, and it just didn’t happen.  I’m not sure how much longer I can put it off.  At some point family members are going to ask what my bishop has to say about me carrying a baby for a same-sex couple, and in some small way it will be a relief to be able say “He told me not to do it, but I’m doing it anyway.”  Maybe that will push the topic into the realm of things that are so uncomfortable that we don’t talk about it at all.  But that appointment with the bishop is going to be SO AWFUL.  I hate confrontation and disapproval and awkwardness.  I know I just need to get it over with, but I’m scared!

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